Recently I came across something I wrote several years ago. It was when I was very ill and didn’t have any answers yet. I thought maybe you could relate. And I thought maybe it would be something you could share with friends or family to help them understand a little better.
I praise God for how far He’s brought me! But I still need Him every day. And He’s still here for me, every day.
Here’s there for you too.
“How are you doing?” my friend asks me.
I pause before answering as a thousand thoughts run through my head.
I know my friend asks because she cares, but how can I explain to her in a moment the pain, loss, and struggle I’m going through? It’s not easy to put into words.
How am I doing? How do I really feel?
Well…I’m exhausted, too tired to stand up. Though I’m always resting, I feel like I’ve just run a marathon. My head pounds, and fever burns my eyes. My joints and muscles throb with pain and inflammation. I feel like an old woman, barely able to shuffle through each day. I’m too weak to cry.
This constant pain and continual weakness has led to discouragement and despair. I must accept the loss of my life as I knew it. No more sports, hobbies, or social life. No more work, ministry, or service. Every day I have to watch carefully what I eat, where I go, and what I do, for fear it might be the straw that breaks me. Limitation is my middle name. I am trapped in the prison of my body.
Daily I struggle with hopelessness, the temptation to give up, the fear that things will never change. I feel alone, like an outsider. Always watching others, unable to participate in normal activities. I am reduced to a spectator in life.
Some days I remember that I’m not the only one in this world who is suffering. Others around me have lost their health, a loved one, job, ministry, or something else. I know they are struggling too. Yet we seldom connect. We just float around each other, stuck in our individual bubbles of painful circumstances. Wishing things were different, yet feeling helpless to change the way things are.
Yet in this place, I still cling to hope. Even when I’m too weary to care anymore, I know there is someone who cares for me. His name is Jehovah Jireh – the Lord who Provides. His provision often comes in unexpected ways…little gifts that remind me I am not forgotten, abandoned, or forsaken. He provides what I need just when I need it.
He gives me grace to let the tears flow. He sends a friend who steps into my world and cries with me. At His prompting, someone sends a card with Scripture that encourages my heart. He causes birds to sing outside my window, reminding me to worship. Flowers from a family member bring to mind His care of the lilies of the field. All of these good gifts come from my loving, heavenly Father. Even in the worst situation, He is my faithful provider.
So, how am I doing? I’m living through some very difficult circumstances one day at a time, by the grace of God, held in His loving arms, trusting in His faithfulness to meet my every need. In other words, I’m walking by faith. And though it isn’t easy, it’s the best way to live.